Feminine Testosterone

Homecoming

2008-12-10T06:11:00.000-08:00

Date of Arrival: 15 Aug 2008

This is (was) my homecoming date. The event saw many shed tears and hugs. The tailgate to the event took place in Gotham City and celebrated endeavors to the spirit of hard work, dreams and ambition, even the sin of hedonism. Stars at their zenith were no longer present, replaced by the crashing of meteorites and passing of comets. The plane ride of farewell into the sunrise back East signaled an unplanned birth of anxiety, anguish, and pain.

There were no balloons or a marching band to grace the event, there wasn't even a reception. You see I didn't want a coming home.

My New York Times

2008-05-28T20:03:00.002-07:00

After completing my first life goal of going to college in an American University I am about to embark on my second

I will be moving to live and work in New York this week.

Honesty

2008-02-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one that I depend upon

Billy Joel-Honesty

Isn't this what I need most at this time. The sugar-coating needs to stop. Please, its not about the love that goes around. Its not the heart. Its your actions

Its all about the choices we make.

The Celebration of the the Virgin Vaginas-Why I didn't make a mistake

2008-02-14T00:36:00.001-08:00

I had an epiphany the other day.

I tried to recall a list of a my closet girl friends and (gasp) realised that all of them were virgins. And i really mean that they are, unless of course they were telling broken facts of their hymen .

In this day and age when virginity is getting less prized and less common amongst women. I find it imperative to come up with good reasons for retaining virginity till marriage. Even putting the calls of Christianity aside, where the body is a temple, I find reasons ranging from the shrewd to the whimsical. Of course one could see it from a rebuttal standpoint but its not my intention.

Beyond the personal, there should be practical concerns. Beware these are the boring reasons such as contraction of STDs, unwanted pregnancies, etc, etc. I count violation of the female temple as a reason. If I have nothing to gain from a man, why should I lose anything to him. I once told a male friend this answer and he responded with "Why don't you think that sexual gratification warrants the lost of virginity".

Gratification my dear, is best when delayed.

And then of course I would also need to give you a background of why I thought this way. I had a boyfriend when I was 16, he came from an all boy Methodist school and I went to an all girl Catholic Convent. Fortunately for me he wasn't that all horny(or at least didn't appear to be), so I skipped the potential misfortune of losing my virginity. After that I never seriously dated anyone nor dated anyone who successfully persuaded me to open up(no pun intended). I even once told a date that he wasn't worth losing anything to(ouch). Besides dating him was not going to take me any further in every sense of the word.

And thanks to that specific episode, my general philosophy now is that if you don't gain anything, you don't lose anything.

I always speculate what my life would be like as a non-married virgin. Since I have nothing to lose, what is there to stop me from getting more fun. Perhaps I could have one-night stands, throw orgy parties, do girl on girl, swing. Wouldn't that be fun? I could make love, have sex, or heck FUCK, depending my taste that day(no pun intended). But I am glad I am still intact.

My virginity prevents me from being a total slut.

I am the type of person who does not know what to buy for gifts, and lazy for that matter too. I am lost at what to get my future husband.

The lost of virginity to a person is a gift in itself .

I don't know what the statistics are on virgins but most people do know that less women hold on to their virginity. Which effectively means that that virginity before marriage is less common now, and becoming rare if so I must say. Something rare is less in supply. In economics if supply goes down, the value of the commodity goes up.

Virginity is a commodity that ups your market value.

Do you need any more convincing?

Crush

2008-02-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

Butterflies in the stomachs, irregular systoles and diastoles, the transitions of color on your cheeks. Then suddenly the air stills, and pregnants itself with the meaning from your thoughts. Even you realise that his speech starts to tangent from regular rhythm and pauses ever so slightly to turn a cheek in your direction. You are confronted with the perplexity of illusion and intuition, but rational sways your decision. Slowly innocuous gestures gain the capability to transform into acute signals. This is what it means to be faced by the intrigue of attraction.

When I get hurt

2007-12-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when you are hurt, its easy to get angry. You might feel a confrontation or lashing out at the other party is best. Hold your horses, for it is not.

My Wall Street Journal

2007-12-09T00:05:00.000-08:00

I will spend yet again my winter holidays back home. In late January, I will also once again board a flight to New York to chase my dreams. Although I have no meetings or interviews lined up, I pray they do pop up along the way to further justify my trip. My hopes are that I move to New York after graduation to start my career. I must also utilize the chance to network and make more contacts in the city. In any case, I was pretty set on the trip, regardless of occasion. Since I was going to be there, it would be convenient also to also see a special person I met over the summer. And, based on circumstances that the stars will dictate, decide if this person should stay in my life or be relinquished to be a figment of my memory.

I can hardly quantify this, but every moment spent in New York feels like I am one step closer to realizing my dreams. The city assures me that the life I wanted so badly is somewhere ahead, only waiting for me to sail there, however telling me the obstacles I have to jump past. I hope this would be the last time I would need to whore my initiative skills in getting a job, although I suspect my initiative skills are already the sails of my ship for life. I did the same thing over the last summer in New York and two summers ago in San Francisco, flying to a place and not knowing if I'll find a job and staying. Though my prospects were better in New York last summer, the first couple of weeks were punctuated by doubt and instability.

The fire that fuels my ambition never seems to die. I was one of a few girls who wanted a career so badly. Only as an intern at a Wall Street brokerage doing non-critical type work over the summer, I imagined myself as real successful Wall Street analyst. I was often happy as I walked, unknowing smiling, and sometimes entertaining strangers who returned the favor by complimenting my smiles. In any case I also wondered how I would change, if became the woman that I wanted to be, did the work I wanted and rubbed shoulders with the right people. Would I be complaining of the work and stress I had to face? Would I still be happy? And the question is, would I still walk outside the stock exchange with a smile on a my face?

who is my CEO?

2007-12-02T23:31:00.000-08:00

I was really surprised. But I do not think this was because I was sick.

I attended a golf focus group for women in Orange County. Most of the players were high powered women who were at beginner levels of golf. There were 3 Goldman Sachs financiers, one of whom had left to be a partner at a smaller firm. Many others were also in finance, some were successful entrepreneurs, and a couple of others were CEOs. These were all very powerful women, talking golf lessons, and there was me. Me, the oddball novice still in college struggling with bad grades and and self-esteem issues. Should I feel lucky to be there?

So you and I are going to think-Isn't this what I was hoping for all my life, Miss wanna-be power CEO? To rub shoulders with these people and be one of them, and play golf too? How sweet!

I felt no elation, not to say I didn't enjoy my time with them. There were no jubilant moments of "YES" in my head, no compelling urge to schmooze aggressively with them. I did talk to some at different points. But was prevented from doing so by throat, which made it hard to talk.

If jealously points toward what i ought to be doing, I certainly felt none of that. So much for being Miss wanna-be CEO ever since I could remember.

Dear Reader

2007-10-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

If you have read multiple entries in this blog, you might be able decipher certain themes that run through my concerns. I admit that perhaps these are the things that capture my attention, some of them are paramount needs, some might be ancillary distractions. However I suspect many of these distractions underscore even bigger needs if you view it in abstraction, and these are the meanings behind reality. Writing in a different voice or another persona may be seen as some as whimsical and serving no practical purpose, but these eyes that do so only view life and circumstances superficially on the surface. They most likely overlook myself as a whole individual that operates kaleidescopically.

If you have concerns that relate to the questionable nature of my decisions and intentions, this is not any cause for alarm. Even if they demonstrate themselves to be irrational, these are rationally pre-empted, which could say something about my personality. I assure you that every single step is calculated and prepared for. Every move to a dangerous trench in battle is planned but anticipated. In war, victory is not remembered by the journey took but the final step.

Sheep's Clothing

2007-10-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

My favorite shade of dressing is black but I forced myself to turn to white. These white clothes of mine are a hassle. Not only do I have to look nice in them but I can't seem to have fun in them. Unlike black clothes when the lack of support was not visible, white clothes reveal what you lack. And no matter how careful I am, the clean look of it ends up with stains. Stains are never a problem with black clothes, they exist but no one can see them, now
each additional product from an agent is a painful scrutiny, it makes me tired to hide them or wash them away. The stains keep on coming back at the same spots, wash after wash.

The spots used to be products of chance and accidents, but increasingly I have been a culprit to taint them myself.

I am not permitted to spill anything, but I like it and know its very fun. The very problem is, that people can see what went on it and critique at it. I miss the anonymity of black where no one would know what I did to it or where I went.

Now the whites are too delicate to withstand the next bleach, perhaps I should switch to black instead. These white clothes might not even belong to me. I own a another black dress somewhere.

Who is talking now

2007-10-09T23:43:00.000-07:00

Missy for the first time you allowed me the chance to be uncovered. When you met Mr the other night, and he held your hand, I felt for the first time that my systoles and diastoles stopped momentarily. Please let me tell you that this condition has never occurred to me. I know that my twin, who works on the basis of logic and critical reasoning, has been telling you to withdraw from Mr at all costs. She has hurt Mr and told you execute actions that are at the expense of my happiness. Missy, you pay more attention to her than me. In fact you constantly ignore me. I understand that my twin might give advice to you similar to that of most people, which is probably why you listen to her, and turn away from Mr. But look, who is to tell you how to love and live other than yourself. So Missy, please, do give me a chance to lead the way for you, for once. Tear down the armor that you dress me with. Let me appear naked in front of Mr, and maybe for once, he might show me what you and I have been missing out on.

The Office

2007-09-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

He is not the type of person who strikes you as handsome or cute. But his charisma grows with you. He does not have the luck of the Gods, but still exudes that special power. He is not the kind who resonates a sexy voice, in fact he sounds like Donald Duck. He is not someone who you can converse in endless banter with you., but you think thats because you don't know him enough. He refrains from the game of flirtation, yet you catch him stealing glances at you.

But beware, no one is to get laid where they get paid.

The Natural Mask

2007-09-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

Its not that i am not being honest. Its not that i have the intention to deceive or contrive. Neither am I trying to be an imposter. I am not interested in you or what you need to say, especially if you say I am not real.

All I want, is to just be me.

Summer 2007

2007-09-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

Summer Love

Ridin' in the drop top with the top down
Saw you switchin' lanes girl
Pull up to the red light, lookin' right
Come here, let me get your name girl
Tell me where you from, what you do, what you like
Let me pick your brain girl
And tell me how they got that pretty little face on that pretty little frame girl
But let me show you 'round, let me take you out
Bet you we could we could have some fun girl
'Cause we can do it fast (fast), slow, whichever way you wanna run girl
But let me buy you drinks, better yet rings
Do it how you want it done girl
And who would've thought that you could be the one 'cause I

I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)

Come on and lemme show you 'round
Let me take you out, bet you we could have some fun girl
'Cause we can dress it up, we can dress it down
Any way you want it done girl
Or we can stay home, talkin' on the phone
Rappin' 'til we see the sun girl
Do what I gotta do, just gotta show you that I'm the one girl
Well I'mma freak you right, each and every night
I know how to do it insane girl
[ Summer Love lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
'Cause I can make it hot, make it stop
Make you wanna say my name girl
Come on baby please 'cause I'm on my knees
Can't get you off my brain girl
But who would've thought that you could be the one 'cause I

I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)
'Cause I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)

The summer's over for the both of us
But that doesn't mean we should give up on love
You're the one I've been thinking of
And I knew the day I met you you'd be the one

I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)
'Cause I can't wait to fall in love with you
You can't wait to fall in love with me
This just can't be summer love, you'll see
This just can't be summer love (L-O-V-E)

Summer Love~Justin Timberlake.

Summer of 69'

I got my first real six-string
Bought it at the five-and-dime
Played 'til my fingers bled
It was summer of '69

Me and some guys from school
Had a Band and we tried real hard
Jimmy quit and Jody got married
I shualda known we'd never get far

Oh when I lock back now
That was seems to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a job to do
Spent my evenin's down at the drive in
And that's when I met you

Standin on a mama's porch
You told me that you'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was no or never
Those were the best days of my life

Man we were killin' time
We were young and restless
We needed to unwind
I guess nothin' can last forever, no

And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone
Somethimes when I play that old six-string
I think about ya wonder what went wrong

Standin' on a mama's porch
You told me it would last forever
Oh the way you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life

~Bryan Adams - Summer Of '69

Pandora's Box-The Finale

2007-09-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

The Pandora's Box which i briefly acquired this year, sadly, has been taken away from me. It might have been my own undoing-till today I am not entirely sure. There is a suspicion that I neglected it and left it alone too often, I might not have been the best owner for it. Perhaps I should have fought and battled it out to keep it, but I know that other things are waiting in line.

My Voice

2007-09-04T22:51:00.001-07:00

What sweetness can something bring without adding sugar
What clarity can be seen in a jumbled mix
What distinction can be recognised by being in the crowd.
What novelty can be appreciated in homogeneousness
What good is a sound without an accent

Destiny

2007-06-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

When was a little girl, I had a dream.

In my dream I saw a bridge over a city skyline in the night. I was with a man that I was in a relationship with. He drove me in a car to the sight. It was meant to be more than a breathtaking sight. I had understood that either the start or end of this relationship was the beginning of something greater. I never knew the significance of the bridge but it was supposed to be the pivotal point in my life. After this day, all my wildest dreams and fantasies, good or bad would unravel with a life of their own. I kept thinking that this would happen around the time I was 26 or 27.

This dream was a prosphecy. It happened last night, on Monday, June 11th, 2007. I was 21.

All the world's a stage

2007-05-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players

William Shakespeare - All the world's a stage (from As You Like It 2/7)

With love that trampled on the ground
An actress needs eyes best to look ahead
All that glitters might be gold onstage

Almost Famous

2007-05-31T17:04:00.000-07:00

I was walking along the street when I overheard an interesting conversation on palmistry between 2 young men whom I assumed to be students of the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York. They were talking about the lines on the palm which indicated and corresponded with the fate of becoming famous. From their actions, I estimated that those lines had to be around the pinkie or ring finger. A chasm of recollection then follows, but I remember showing them my palm briefly, in which they attempted to look for the lines which may indicate a fate of celebrity. They looked at it then suddenly said to me, " you might become famous".

It does not matter whether I believed in these 2 young men. More importantly, it did me the function of reminding me of my purpose-in life, where I am and what I am supposed to do at this moment. Each situation I face is either a joy or trial-often some are pre-mediated and part of a self-fufilling prophesy. It lifts my spirits and encourages me to know that I never set up any circuits of circumstances in vain.

Far and Away

2007-04-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Its been nearly a year and I still think of him. While I am greatly looking forward to meeting this person over the summer a few thoughts still exist in my mind.

Are what I dream and fantasize about going to materialise?
Is the situation going to be reversed?
Will it be met by a catatrophe?
Or worse, the whole plethora of passions are going to evaporate into a cloud of platonic smoke?

Dear me dear me dear me

Like a moth to a flame

2007-04-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

My wings fly to the light
Then I saw the flames that blazed
I was going to the fire

I felt the blaze of fire
I was in the fire

I was playing with fire

Go Away

2007-04-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

So you think no one is going to take me in or look at me? You look down on me and think I am the naive one.

HA!! Look who is talking here, the one making things difficult for me.

I think you will be pleasantly surprised by my abilities.

Go away and I don't care how much you mean well.

Pandora's Box.....continued

2007-04-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

Y0u might have remembered a few entries with regard to a particular Pandora's Box that I was so eager to receive. I have since become the owner of it, but I am now learning the lesson that owning a Pandora's Box requires much effort. A Pandora Box only spills out what it think you are worthy of having, which means that you should place very carefully certain things you want to grow inside the box. This might reiterate the commom saying of "you reap what you sow". However this Pandora's Box might also be constantly telling me what I lack in my life, which is the whole point of it in the first place. The only difference is that this Pandora's Box does not give, it only teaches. It does not give me the fish I want, it tells me how to fish.

2020

2007-03-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

About the time when I was 15 in 2001, I fell in love with a boy who would later become one of my biggest public critics in business and economics. He had all the qualities in a man I was a sucker for- intense drive and ambition, self-discipline, and apparent lack of emotion. And so these qualities became the benchmark for what I looked for in a man.

Its now 2020 and 18 years since we broke up. He still today embodies those qualities, and though we became estranged after the breakup, I continued to admire his strength of tenacity and drive to his ambitions. In high school, college and beyond, I often wondered how my relationship with him would have materialized if we kissed and made up. Perhaps I never got over him, maybe I could have been in part felt guilty for the humiliating way I broke the relationship or it might the way he avoided me in all fashion possible-creating a mechanism where I wanted to contact him even more.

Strangely I always thought he would be in life one way or another when I grew older. In 2001 I remembered we watched together the movie Bridget Jones Diary where Bridget was all lonely and single at 33. I pointed out that it would be me in the future and he replied that he would still be around. Of course, keep in view that at that time, he was still trying to woo my heart. But I now look back and think how ironically things turned out.

I still feel the tension in the air every time I see him. Though the raw feelings of anger, bitterness and jealousy are gone, residues of those have come to characterise our meetings with each other. In press conference rooms bursting with reporters trying to get hold of our polar opposite opinions or us hurling insults at each others views, I start to wonder if he is still the same person deep down inside-him constantly relentless in the quest for greener grasses and greater things. I wonder he might actually retain that affection for me he never ever wants to admit. Or, under the impressive belt of accomplishments and tough exteriors of his seemingly emotionless demeanors, he is still fundamentally the boy I met on June 12th, 2001 at the YMCA building in Singapore.

The Man I want to be

2007-02-24T00:54:00.000-08:00

I tell this with an eager but heavy heart. Once upon a time from afar out in the fields I was madly in love with a young woman. I grew rice crops and sold them for a living with my father, sometimes we had little, other times we had none. I was a farmer boy and she, the baron's daughter, with more than ever to spare. I dream everyday of owning the lands that the fields spread upon with my hard earned work, blood, sweat and tears.

A beautiful girl of kind soul, intelligent wit but a shrewd heart. I pursued her out of admiration, infatuation and attraction. Alas, she turned me down and broke my heart. She told me that time will make a better man out of me, and parted me goodbye as she walked into the dusk away from the fields.

But I know that the young woman whom I love is going to marry a Prince from another land. I cannot judge her for the choice she makes today. I am only a farmer's son. How can I ever possibly, compare to be like her Prince, so I might hold the standard as her suitor. But I tell myself that the day will eventually come, the day of gold harvest and sunshine blessings will be reaped from my hands. I will conquear all the lands that the Prince today calls his land. What toil I on will eventually be mine, and maybe then, she will regret marrying the Prince. But maybe when that day comes, I hope she won't be the one I love to be waiting for me.

Being Happy

2007-02-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

What does being happy mean?

Getting an A on the statistics final that you slogged all month for?
The diploma that you received from that Ivy League school?
The investment banking job on Wall Street you got?
Getting your 6 figure paycheck?

Your crush who finally agreed to go out on a date with you?
The sexual gratification that came with making love?
The joy of seeing your childhood friend again after a long time?
Spending time with your family and friends?

Eating ice-cream?
Eating sashimi at an expensive Japanese restaurant?
The retail therapy you got while shopping on Rodeo Drive?
Losing 15 pounds after a month at the gym?

Tell me what makes you happy.

It never ends

2007-01-15T21:51:00.000-08:00

A few years ago when I was in school I often thought about how wonderful going to college in America would be.

I would be putting my brilliant mind to work while studying, stimulating my mental faculties, socialising with good looking people, having a good time with those people, having the freedom of being spared from the mercy of parental control, or even perhaps exploring love. I could drive my own car, go home as late as I like, learn all the things that interest me, make friends with whomever I chose to without judgment. I would be having such a great time, and all the time. In addition the thought of going to a renowned private institution sounded so glamorous.

But life is not always a bed of roses.

What if you discover that really, your mind isn't as brilliant that you thought it was. The disgust of your own mind fills you as you realise that you are no more intelligent than people of the lowest common denominator, which you always despised. You realise that you do not really like the people you meet as you lack commonality with them. You think that learning would make to salvage the situation, but alas, your parents force you to major in something you dislike.

So you find solace in going out. But wait, driving is a potential danger on the road and huge hassle to be dealt with. You thought coming home as late as you wanted was great until you found out that there were night muggings constantly. You live in fear of your surroundings.

You wished you never left home at all.

Then now you wished you had a nice, glamorous job in a big city, where transportation will not be a problem. Where you can make all the money you like and spend it.

When realities of grey skies overcast your like, thoughts of fantasy can only mollify your spirits.

So the cycle begins, and when will it ever end.

Simple Envy

2006-12-18T04:37:00.000-08:00

How I envy you
And all that you don't have
The plain austere
From your exterior
To the interiors of your mind

Your spartan dwellings beam a beauty
My home tries expensively to create
The simpleness of your thoughts
Give more meaning
Than the fire of my ambition

We enjoy the pleasures
Of sun, sea and sky
You step into them from your backyard
While I jet there from the city

The fruits of your toil nourish
While the greed of my corruption destroys

Your eyes escalate at my station
But I yearn to have your eyes
Unlike mine hostage to rimmed glass
You are free from myopia

The same disease that distorts the eye
Hurts my vision
Which makes me different from you

Getting over Mountains

2006-12-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, as tall and daunting as the mountains are ahead of you, you stop using your ropes to climb over it. With a tired and halting breath, you start searching for tunnels and shortcuts that might take you over to your destination. At times, in the absense of options that will expedite your journey, you start creating your own. You need to find the gunpowder and an engineer that will help you blow up the rocks to create a passage way. It might be narrow, but through this you will get to the light at the end of the other side. Sounds ingenious doesn't it?

Hold on yet again.

What if you can't locate an engineer because you simply don't have the time or buy gunpowder because its illegal? Faced with the impasse, you have only 2 options- to retreat or continue your journey with the ropes you have.

Should you retreat, all your past labors will amount to nothing. Should you continue, you run the risk of falling and getting hurt, as well as the drain on energy and resources that you continue to acrrue with every step.

But remember that you are not the first who has done this. Many other brave men and women have surmounted the challenges that you have. If they have done it and made it over by telling themselves not to give up on their ropes, why should you either. It might help that you could check to see the tightness of your ropes, the precision of your footsteps and strategy of your advance. They could be faulty, and if so, make the necessary reactifications. Call the engineer not when you are tired, but only after you have really broke the rope, and hurt your ankle.

Its not just the mountain that your need to get over. There will be more ahead of it.

when you wished otherwise

2006-12-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

when tears stream down
at the hardships you face
thoughts of laughter
flash back in your memories

when the paucity of acquisition
furnishes your space
wants of plenty
circulate in your fantasy

when the lack of control
takes over your days
the grasp of certainties ahead
occupy your brain

when idle ambition
floats your focus
the action plan of those
tussle at your mental strength

when realities of grey skies
run your life
dreams of sunny days
exist only in your mind

Crush

2006-12-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

I am now dropping all elements of blogging style for this piece. Whatever pretension and
so-called intellectualism can fly out of the window for 2 mins.

My female finance Professor is so smart and hot, coupled with an aura of power and
decisiveness, I think I already have a crush on her.

I do not care that I am female too.

Nuff said.

All I want for Christmas

2006-12-05T18:47:00.000-08:00

My pensiveness has gotten my attention and it could be either a good or bad thing depending on
how one looks at it.

So its finally December! and the end of the year already! 2006 will be another year of memories- mostly bad, and of tremendous learning. Christmas will soon come around and
yet another time of sharing, celebrating, etc, etc. I don't think I would want anything for
Christmas at all. I have gotten every single material acqusition I wanted my whole life.
And though I always hope for certain people to enter my life, my true wants for Christmas
are all within me. I just want for certain things to happen with my own seeds of effort.

My Life

2006-12-05T00:47:00.000-08:00

I am always constantly amazed by what I see and experience. From the ugly to the pretty, the cruel to the kindred and from poverty to luxury, I get to breathe, see, taste and touch more than the average person in most circumstances and stages of life that I am in. I feel my life has been blessed, and I am very thankful for my good fortunes.

Take this week for example, I was invited to the house of the University President in San Marino, California. I would say that it was probably the most beautiful and maybe the largest house I ever set foot on. The interiors were decorated with posh East Coast style, the gardens were lush and green with two little playhouses and a tennis court. Most of all the place was serviced by an army of servants including a butler and a housekeeper. I remember thinking as I walked through the garden that I really needed to have a house like this in future with my future husband.

Or like this evening where the student government were treated to dinner at Asia De Cuba, an elegant fusion restaurant on Sunset Strip in Hollywood. The view near the top of the hills was breathtaking, especially with the large windows. I don't think anyone could have disagreed. As I walked back to the car, I again reminded myself of how lucky I was.

More importantly, I have come to re-affirm a certain philosophy. That should I want to experience things like these, I will need to work hard and ever harder than ever before, while keeping my goals in mind. That I would need also to execute whatever means neccessary to fufill that, be it my weaknesses or shortcomings. The world is too full of educated/talented smart/wealthy people who either cannot make the right choices or take persistence in effort and hard work. And the gems that they were endowed with all count for nothing in the end.

I don't ever want to be like them. Instead, my days shall be lived everyday as if it was my last. That I will take pride in all my doings, reflect upon them when I am old, and have no regrets about what else I could have done.

Conversational

2006-12-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

She walks into her room and suddenly I recognise her. Blonde with a strawberry hue, and heavily rimmed black eyes dressed her on the outside. With an unassuming presence she sits herself down beside me. I had never really talked to her other than our karaoke sessions a couple of times in her dorm room. I remembered them to reek of sacharine plasticity and stale vitality, just like her personality. Now stuck outside the shrink's office, I am forced to make yet another round of plastic conversation.

"How are you" says she.

"Not too well" I replied.

"I miss the karaoke sessions we had together" she replied

"Me too", and I knew I told a lie.

2001

2006-12-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wished it were 2001 again. Everything was right.
If I could only go back to that time......

She that i never want to be

2006-11-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when women don't live up to ideal, being only a small fry lesser character, of daily
doings that are inconsequential to the lives of others, of selfish concerns that never expand
beyong to the realm of the great. I often wonder if it was my
own stupidity, ignorance or fault that I never saw it coming. Such things are not
a problem on their own, it only annoys me to no end when you have to deal with extended
contact with them.

A letter to you

2006-11-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

Dear You,

I find it extremely delightful that our conversation is of much value to the sanity of my soul.
Though we are seperated by the space of lands and waters, the wonders of technology have
enabled us to connect at our convenience. It has been a great pleasure engaging with you in the
exploration of the human imagination, spirit, ambition and desire. You and I might have
uncannily similar thoughts, styles and metaphors of descriptions, which intrigues me to no end
as I often wonder if the both of us were meant to cross paths. I find you an interesting person
and something tells me that you reciprocate the same too about me. It is also very strange
that my idle thoughts often surface the possibility of us creating memories together. Perhaps
in the future we may, perhaps we may not, it is not up to us to decide. If it happens, I hope we can create more than my mind can create, and if not, I can relish in the fantasy of them.

Have a nice day ahead,
Stella

A Prayer to God

2006-11-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

God I give thanks that you granted me the chance the last time. Lord, You had answered my prayer that I had asked for. It was very small, and perhaps of no vested interest, or benefit to anyone other than myself. It had been a selfish request but you granted it to me. I would like to think that it made some effect in your grand plan, but I don't know. I first asked that I bid to you whatever you asked of me and I did. Lord, you granted that. I asked Lord that you let me go to the place I wanted at the last minute when neither time nor my authority was on my side. Lord you granted that.

Lord you granted me the chance to meet, see and help people who dedicated their blood, sweat and tears to something larger than their lives. While they toiled, I made less than their dedication and slipped under the radar. I felt guilty, I felt bad. Now Lord, if you think that it is fitting, I ask that you let me be in their shoes.

Lord, I humbly ask for your guidance. If this is what you approve and want me to embark upon, I pray that you give me the stamina, will and grace to see that it happens. If this is what you want me to do, I am your servant at call. I pray that you let my thoughts materialise into the actions that you see fit. I pray that you will lead me to find the people who will believe in my plans and who will work with me to create those plans. Though again I know that time is not on my side, I pray that you will grant me for the doors of access to be open in accordance with your calendar. You gave me the gift to see O God, now let me bring that gift back to you.

I pray that your plans dictate and lead the way with this.

In your son's name I pray.

Amen

My Baby

2006-11-19T17:23:00.000-08:00

Its always strange how convenient and stressful owning your own vehicle can be. No longer do you need to utilise public transport or wait for a friend to give you a lift, your own transportation means are at your disposal anytime and anywhere you want. This however is a misfortune in disguise.

Now you have to contend with the possibility of scratching your car by accident, the pressure of driving safely on the road, and most of all, the huge hassle of having to park and god forbid, parallel parking. I suppose i cannot complain now that I own my very own car, but its like taking care of a baby. Cute but alot of trouble involved.

Foolish Heart

2006-11-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

I don't need my rationale self to tell me that my heart bleeds and longs for things/entities
that are unreachable. Some perhaps forever, and some best decided to the starts. At some point something in me snaps "Its is just not going to happen."

The problem with me is that i have a great sense of possibility and
you can see where it becomes a double edged sword. More
importantly, I should know that what will be mine at the end
of the day will be mine somehow and if it isn't, I can revel
in the fantasy of it.

The Soothsayer

2006-11-11T01:48:00.000-08:00

The Soothsayer

Sheesh. Not so loud. I have to tell you something. This so

exciting and mysterious and will make people's hearts pound.

It has to do with some people's fortunes. I am going to make these people
famous. Yes, I am going to make them famous, and some of them very rich.
Some of them will be bewildered beyond their wildest dreams,
others would have secretly or otherwise habored these desires in their
hearts. No coincidences here, the cosmos have lined up and I have met
some of them. But the moral of the story is, I will make them become
somebodies in this world. I don't think any of them will ever
regret it. I know who these people are, you might be able to guess a few of them already but I cannot tell you their names just yet. You just wait and see, they will all be reknowned and respected people in their own right. The days will come before them one day, it all hangs in the stars.

Dreaming of you

2006-11-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I'd stay up and think of you
And I'd wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

Cuz I'm dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you even see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside?
Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far, all I have are dreams of you
So, I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you(Yes, I do)

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
Till tomorrow, I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Then here in my room,
Dreaming about you and me

Dreaming of you-Selena

The work ethic

2006-10-30T23:57:00.000-08:00

I should remember that no matter what kind of work it is, work by nature is never ever glamorous. The spirit, calling, ambitions, and achievements of work may be so, but what boils the broth at the end of the day is good, sheer old hard work.

Repeat to thyself.

So even if one works at KKR or the Carlyle Group, its still gonna be the same story. Which reminds me to work even harder. But the question is, how the heck do i even get my foot in?

Dream a little dream of he

2006-10-28T01:18:00.000-07:00

The days of sweetness may be long gone, a hazy memory of puppy affection, a temporal phase of hormonal drive, perhaps an illusion. The parting a painful riducule, an abrasive divorce of all contact. Yet, you long for a moment, some time, some day, some place in your vision, when you, and him, can sit down in a nice coffee-shop in Manhattan to talk of salad days that have passed. The both of you are laughing over the imbecility of past events, the delight of the company of former acquaintances, and the triviality of failures. You can now rejoice in the trumpets of both your successes, the fruits of both your labors, which are now products of Machiavellian ideals and stragtegic intentions.

You wish for him to embrace your friendship. Maybe the both of you will hug and tell each other that you were sorry. Then you talk about your respective kids an swear to teach them your mistakes. You feel this a great milestone of amelioration. You waited years for this day of spring beginnings to arrive.

But old habits die hard, and deep down in his heart he is still distressed. He hates you with the contempt of bitterness. Like the days of yore and eras of Backstreet Boys, you remain no more than a chess piece to him. It is only in these moments that you can have a piece of him. You realise that really nothing has changed over the years. But you savor every bit of this moment and you yield to his requests. You become the host and he is the parasite. This doesnt bother you. You wanted for this to happen, this day to come. You plotted your way to becoming the host, and he, the cosmos lined in to make him come before you. You think you give to salvage what was torn. Alas, you are deceiving human nature. But still, you wish for this to happen some day, ahead, this is the future, it holds, patiently, in the stars.

Singapore my home

2006-10-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

I realised my real reason for making two return plane trips every year on 18 hour flights. Its because I am Singaporesick not homesick!!!

William Jefferson Clinton

2006-10-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

I saw former U.S President Clinton at UCLA speaking at a rally for Prop 87 last Friday. The targeted attendance was 200 people but a crowd of 3000 people showed up. A mob of people jostled to the front to catch a better glimpse of him. I must say he is man who looks great for his age. But most of all, his presence was electrifying to the audience.

This man is a political rock star.

Why do i do these things

2006-10-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

The second mid-term season has just ended, and I have emerged from the twin flames-unscathed, but near consumed with weariness. I could be resting for half a week or so before the next cycle begins. Logically I could have made things better for myself by kicking the procrastination habit, amongst other things, but what i think is taking up the most time are my extra-curriculars, namely-my sorority commitments, debate, my part-time internship, volunteering, and possibly my pseudo quasi government post (cross-fingers) which may start as early as next week!!

I always wonder why I have the tendancy to get into all sorts of things to keep myself occupied?
Or the more pertinent question is, why am I doing these things when my life could have just been easier. All I need to do is go to school, graduate, get a job and get married like the average women does. Unfortunately this route doesnt appeal to me.

Ambition is a double edged sword, its the fire of my existence, burning the cauldron of my life and spirit, yet always threatening to subvert it by extinguishing my soul. Does it need to matter that I have to be different from other people, when this difference comes at a price?
I generally understand that people like myself are motivated by ambition, and the large prototype is driven by money. But I was never excited by money. Why do I constantly need to be seduced by fame, recognition and the allure of power? I recall the languid days I have, suffering the burden of boredom, and what void that filled me with. Do I really matter in this world that I need to do this much?

my future autobiography

2006-10-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

Someday I will write an autobiography about myself.

This could look like the opening page.

To

you who beat me up
you who laughed at my ideas
you who didn't hire me
and you who never wanted to date me..........

This book and I were made because of you.

Do you see yourself in this?

2006-10-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

This story belongs to many people.

When this man was a little boy, no one would talk to him, no one would be his friend. People would tease him, make fun of his strange ideas, and never listened to him. Often he was beaten up, and it rendered him almost powerless to control anything.

When he grew up he had a crush on a beautiful girl. She was smart like he was, however she had no interest in him. Instead she became close to one of his jerk classmates, who was better looking than he was.

When the man grew up he became the head of a company that employed many of his childhood bullies, and the girl who had rejected him.

Writing and I-a hate/love story Part Two

2006-10-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

In one of my first postings on this blog, ( you can go read the archives) I talked about my hate/love relationship with writing. Two and a half years later, that relationship has yet to fizzle out.

The reason why I am reminded of this relationship has to do with my own fault at not being anal with a particular writing assignment that I was supposed to turn in for my current writing class. I was supposed to write an 8 page literature review- alas, that turned out to be a nightmarish ordeal of looking for sources in support of my reseach proposal on Prostitution. Though I tried hard to avoid plagarism, my devices against the lack of content in my paper constituted of me rephrasing sentences from my sources. Now that my instructor has ordered me to turn in all of my sources, I guess i should be very worried indeed.

What happened to the pleasures of writing during my freshmen year in college where I could write 3 or 4 drafts of a paper instead of just one to be handled in.........

Competitive without Competition

2006-10-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the computer lab of the business school right now, trying to fuse my creative juices into formulating something which doesnt reek of practicality or anything related to the malevolent and mind numbing nature of business school. The only reason why I have to be in this school is because of one of two of my majors-Accounting, and to begin with was the result of parental coercion.

The problem with me is that though I want so badly to be intensely scheming and would like to think of myself as a competitive, cold creature of Machiavellian values, I simply hate the nature of competition. A paradox isnt it? An individual who is competitive by nature who hates competition? Perhaps this has to do with the fact that I really suck at most things that people do. In fact, I can only list a few things that I am better at the general populace, and this does not really count, for I only do better than average only to be beaten by some other individuals.

Such is the nature of the "wheeling-dealing" in our world.

Fighter

2006-10-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave,

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Fighter- Christina Aguilera

I was always the one whom no one wanted to be friends with, was always the one who got teased at school, the one who was made to feel unwelcome and unpopular. The one who got beaten and made to feel powerless. The one whose voice never made resonance to influence anyone's choices. I am the one who got nothing on Valentine's Day.

With every cut I grow stronger, with every smirk I get my head schemes to retaliate, with every rejection my heart gets colder.

My heart that has turned to stone, my thoughts that have turned to schemes and myself that has is created.

Its all because of you.

Pandora's Box-Part Deux

2006-10-07T16:11:00.000-07:00

In a strange twist of fate, the knock has come a second time on my door. And while prospects of securing my Pandora's box are not completely definitive, i hope the negotiations would turn out in my favor .

Pandora's Box

2006-09-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

Its another situation where you think you have successfully scored a prize, however the prospects of it arent completely secured. Either there is a technical problem in the way which prevents your access, or in my case, the prize might not have even been there for the taking in the first place.

Its so near and yet so far. Why do people need to make empty promises to others when things are even one step away from the definitive? Or, is the situation of miscommunication to blame? The way i see it now, it is better to hope for the best and expect the worst. I could call incessantly all i want to demand that the prize be handled over at the risk of getting on nerves that could sting me in future, or i could sit and wait on eternity for it to drop on my lap.

I should know better, things dont happen that way. I basically worked and networked my way through, although somewhat aimlessly, to attain that prize. It is mine and it rightfully belongs to me. I as the recepient, demand an explanation. I should be a bitch and start making calls, while sounding totally sweet on the phone, that they would be forced to rethink the situation. The whole problem is that no one is making a decision, maybe thats what the problem lies with- no one really wants to jump the gun and decide.

For more than my whole life I think I would have wanted a prize like this. I have dreamt about it, I have fantasised about it and I would want this more than any prospect at this point. I think of this prize like a pandora's box, that eventually nurtures an even juicier pandora's box inside.

Life should always be of pandora's boxes. It mirrors the nature of my life.

captured in a moment

2006-09-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

i wanna drift

2006-09-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

michael buble - sway

when marimba rhythms start to play
dance with me, make me sway
like the lazy ocean hugs the shore
hold me close, sway me more

like a flower bending in the breeze
bend with me, sway with me
when we dance you have a way with me
stay with me, sway with me

other dancers may be on the floor
but my eyes will see only you
only you have that magic technique
when we sway i go weak

i can hear the sound of violins
long before it begins
make me thrill as only you know how
sway me smooth, sway me now

The Frog

2006-09-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

The Frog

Could we but have one moment?
To stand amongst Princes of station
A tension locked in gaze
My words retort to your charm
By the breath of yours at my temple
The synergy of our attraction holds still
That those around are intrigued
By the enrapture of our souls

Bid me adieu, maybe goodbye
Still our eyes fixed in gaze
The halting of our hearts
Sweetens the paucity of time
And may I depart from you
Leaving the the scarlett of my kiss

New York pictures

2006-05-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

Times Square

UN

outside the Met

Hoobastank!!

High School all over again

2006-05-07T15:48:00.000-07:00

I attended a Goldman Sachs presentation this week. This premier financial institution gave a talk on how to maximize our summer internship. Advice they suggested were pretty common sense, but then i realised most people tended to forget these things when caught up in work. The agenda was also tightly synopsized so all the important things were covered. I left the presentation with thoughts undeveloped before the entrance, hence my time was well-spent attending this event.

I know my time was well-spent, but about other people attending the event? My goal was to learn how to maximise the internship i might possibly score over the summer. Other people were probably there to network with the recruiters, so they might get a better shot at getting interviewed.

During the presentation as i looked around, almost every single person seemed attentive. Many were leaning forward eagerly, a sign that they were interested in the firm. It seemed that they were wanting to be hired into the firm.

Students also asked many questions, including the statistics on the hiring rates.

It was roughly 10%
This reminds me of a similar situation in high school.

College application to U.S Schools, or more precisely a Harvard University information session held at my school. At that particular session, many questions were asked, including the admissions rate. Lots of them were also leaning forward, much like at the Goldman Sachs presentation.

You see aiming for a job at someplace like Goldman Sachs is really no different from applying to Harvard. The admissions rates are low, the prestige level is high, the company of people are bright and intelligent, and it
attracts an astonishing number of applicants. For both, there were many people in the room, but how many of them will actually get into Harvard or work at Goldman?

Harvard will each year receive thousands of hopefulls wanting a pie of its tradition. There will be X people in the room, but only one or a handful that you can count with your fingers successfully make it to the final step which is joing the school/firm. I thought many of these kids were wasting their time at Harvard information session, no amount of networking with the admissions officer was going to increase their chances of being in Harvard.

Ditto for the Goldman Sachs event.

I remember going to the Harvard information session in high school thinking to myself " I am probably not going to go there".

Ditto for this week....unless a miracle happens.

Lets look at the realities, I am not the Stellar student ( hence having a hard time living up to my name), am not a particularly bright individual either. I have to struggle to maintain either average or below average grades, and this continued from high school thru college.

I am simply not the top, brightest or best candidate out there. I learned long ago not to beat myself up over Harvard, so why should i do that with Goldman?

All i knew was that i worked hard and got myself into college eventually. So i should work on something reachable after graduation.

High school doesnt really end.

I knew i loved you before i met you......but i'll never be with you

2006-05-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

Remember the the Savage Garden music video "I knew I loved you before I met you" starring Kristin Dunst. The band singer sees a beautiful girl in a subway train and its love at first sight for him. In a momentary electrical blackout when they link hands in support, he envisions a future with this girl. He has never met or interacted with her, nor has he heard her voice. Yet, in his vision they are holding hands, kissing and laughing. But its not a happy ending, they break physical contact as soon as the lights come on, and she hops out of the train at the next stop and he never sees her again........

Circumstances like that happen to me too. Like the band singer, contact with the other member is momentary, it never leads to anything more. We imagine a relationship with a beautiful stranger at a random encounter but the person disappears forever. The only thing left is the beautiful memory of the encounter.

James Blunt correctly sums it up in his song "You Are Beautiful".
"You are beautiful its true.....but its time to face the truth....I will never be with you..........."

Sophomore Year

2006-05-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

The International Students' Assembly made my sophomore year count. It is my good fortune to have been a part of such a great team of people. Though the most mundane tasks and animated brain-storming sessions, I developed and learned more than I ever anticipated. I will miss working with everyone on the executive board.

Conversational Gems I remember

2006-05-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

WT: " So have you done fellatio?"

Me: " I don't do Asset Management of any sort"

-----------------------------------------
Me: " Hi my name is Stella"

Stranger: " Stella is the name of my dog"

Me: "And i am your Bi#*h"

-----------------------------------------

Story Series-George

2006-05-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a huge garden there lived a beautiful catapillar called George. However George was not fat like the rest of his catapillar cousins, so he always had to eat more leaves. He ate till he grew tired and weary, and wondered if he could ever become a butterfly. But leaves were never in short supply for him. He found plants everyday not just in the garden but also in the gardener's bag that was grown hydroponically to decorate the house inside.

One day a dry spell hit, and fresh green leaves were in short supply. All of George's cousins were no longer fat, and they too gave up hope to become butterflies. But George continued to eat from his secret hideaway of the gardener's bag and his parents got furious.

"Why are you still searching far and wide for food, there is none left with the dry spell, you are wasting your time. And forget about becoming a butterfly, not even your fatest cousin here will anymore"

George took one look at his parents and turned away from them to the gardener's bag, never to return.

The Call Girl

2006-02-20T01:56:00.000-08:00

This is what happened recently

A member of my family died. Nothing significant really happened to me in the immediate aftermath. Three days later at a mental health screening i am diagnosed by a shrink with a form of depression commonly known as Mania.

Looked this up online. I really suspect its Hypomania and Bipolar disorder rather than actual Mania. Then again it might just be pure bullshit.

I am not surprised.

I think it is in my genes.

I think my Gong Gong had it.

I think my father has it.

Which explains.

Wu Tien and I shared a converse about power relationships over MSN yesterday. I told him i sometimes fantasize about being a call-girl. My reasons were the relationships, power, intrigue, fantasy lifestyle, yada yada. I mentioned money wasnt the issue. He commented on my preccocious qualities after hearing that i conceived the call-girl notion at age 8-that was when i first listened to the song "Never been to me" by Charlene. I also told him i conceived the idea of sex at age 5.

I was really unproductive over the weekend.

It is also every weekend that i am unproductive.

To make up for this i am super-productive over the weekday. As a result i have little sleep.

Strange that i feel so energised with less sleep.

I think this may be the effects of student government campaigning i did.
Now i feel so confident, energetic and charismatic. People marvel at my speeches.

Which makes me nervous as the results of my candidacy will be annouced to me in two days.

This is just one of the reasons for my current condition.

My GPA is very low.

Accounting has something to do with my GPA.

I hate Accounting. My father made me do it. Then again even if he didnt i might have done it on my own.

All because Accounting grads at my school are almost guaranteed to get Big 4 jobs.

I work hard to receive below average grades.

If i have this type of grades when i graduate- i wont be hired in investment banking.

The only way for me is to get a investment banking internship and get re-hired.

But i didnt get any interviews for that at all-my GPA is still bad.

I saw every single investment banking aspirant the other day walking around school in suits for their interviews.

I wasnt wearing a suit.

I felt even more depressed and wanted to go out.

But i could not- I didnt have a car.

My mother says father is not willing to buy me one.

They both went back on their word.

Now i have to continue taking the bus.

I should get on a jinxed bus that would crash and leave me dead.

Maybe then my father would feel really guilty.

I can already hear his voice cursing me stupid if he finds out about my mental illness.

Half the time when he does so he threatens to pull me out of school.

If he does, that gives me one more reason why i should be a call-girl.

Beverly Hills is only 20 mins away.

My Life

2006-01-12T06:29:00.000-08:00

My 21st birthday will arrive in a few months, this means i will usher
in a new chapter of my life as an adult-officially. Most people at this
stage fret about the whims of the job market with regard to their
employment prospects, i am not exempt. But matters that worry me more
than this are my continued, sustained fortunes. I don't mean this
in absolute digits or material posessions, i extend this to also
marriage, friends/connections, station of power and overall
contentment.

In a recent discussion with one of my good friends, the topic of my
future worst possible socio-economic scenario came out. I candidly
rationalised that i would be living in Singapore, earning a monthly
salary equivilant to SGD 2500 or USD 1500 in today's terms. I would
be married to
a middle-class Chinese Singaporean man who probably works to
bring in the same amount or a little more dough than i do. We would
live in a middle class surburbia within a government subsidised
3 bed-room apartment otherwise fondly known as an HDB flat. We might
have children, and like all other middle class parents, take them to
school in morning and perhaps enjoy one a year holiday luxuries in
neighbouring countries such a Malaysia or Thailand. Home furniture will
be from IKEA and we could afford a Japanese car. I might even give up working to take care of chores and rearing the kids. Every day of my
existense will be a routine, just like all other people, i will work
my efforts 9 to 5 because i want to put food on the table and support
a family.

Not that i think that the above life i described is necessarily a bad
one. Its fine by average standards. But i never envisioned my life
to like this ever. It would be extremely sad for me because i would
not be able to maintain the lifestyle that my parents gave me.
I enjoyed the luxury of a 3 storey private house, a maid, an expensive
German car, many private tutors for school subjects, weekly fancy
restaurant visits, holidays in
many parts of the world that required some 18 hours to reach, luxury
items of merchandise that the middle class would be hard pressed to
afford, and of course my college education in the United States which
cost USD 45,000 a year, all paid for by my father.

I would not be able to offer all of the above to my children if i
earned a middle-class income.

So what kind of a life do i exactly want? Well, it definately
has to be more than what i have now. Assuming that
if i graduate from college in the United States and work very hard
toward my goals, including being the most anal bitch, i would get to enjoy a life such as this....

From what i have charted beginning from high school, i would have
started as either as a consultant or investment analyst, and worked
my way up to becoming a board director of a large public listed
company where i could receive generous dividends. These funds will
then be used to pay for my Chanel workclothes and Sergio Rossi heels,
my children's school fees at public British boarding schools
(if i have them),
my weekday Volvo/Mercedes and weekend Aston Martin,
either my Manhatten Loft Apartment or Singapore
bungalow or California Beachhouse ( depending on where i live and work,
or better
yet all three). Also to avoid menial hassle, i would be
serviced by a maid and driver, that way i can spend my time more productively at work. These are the trappings of wealth
that answer to secular worship.

I would have summoned all charm in myself to lure a man of astonishing
energy, intelligence, ambition and industry. He could possibly be a
a high-flying professor, politician or hedge-fund partner.
I might possibly need to keep a lot of women away from him.
Because i am not content to being a "tai-tai" and simply enjoying a
luxurious but otherwise boring life, I would also work plans of my own into
imprinting the ideas and works of myself onto this world in addition
to my money-making ventures. Of course he could have the option
fathering my children. They would be like their father and
i would spend my life indoctrinating them to be better versions of
their parents. The family will take holidays to anywhere in the world.

While simultaneously acheiving success at my day job, i would be
constantly moonlighting in areas either in politics
or some form of diplomacy. If it should be diplomacy, i would
have to be some kind of ambassador for a cause and a board member
of an international panel, or toward the formation of Greater China.
My husband and i would rub shoulders with many of our fellow rich and
famous friends with our names quoted for acheivement in periodicals.

I focus and work everyday towards my better life and am currently
accepting applications for the man who will enjoy it with me. Frequent
challenges, difficultly, problem-solving and triumphs will define my life, it will be bitter-sweet but it will be all worth it.

Hell

2005-11-08T00:15:00.000-08:00

Die and go to Hell

I have constantly been visiting a friend's blog. Many people remember Chris in High School to be a hermit and little eccentric, but also a rather insightful and individualistic personality who was a nonetheless a pleasure to be with. For me, reading his blog offers some slice of himself that i would otherwise miss for a long time or maybe even forever. He expresses candidly on personal matters that explore the dichotomy between capitalism vs communism, religion vs secularism, work vs play, etc. These i thought were the issues that surround many of our daily lives, but yet we seldom bother to think of them. Often, i find them only expressed in what i call the "narrow sense". Many people talk of them with relation to their own daily problems, etc. Chris however, shares his thoughts in relation to bigger cosmos.

I remember that in one post he postulates that people intentionally send themselves into hell. Such thought struck a chord with me, and here is why.......

In my last year of High school, I recall that Madam was giving a few of us extra literature practice by reviewing a metaphysical poem. Apparently one of the features of the poem was death and hell. The guarding dogs mentioned in the poem were supposed to have alluded to the gate of hell, and my friend Gracia pointed out that this device was also used in one of the Harry Potter Books series( the 3 headed dog).

I wasn't so much disconcerted by the idea of hell but rather of what the imagery reminded me of. That vaguely conjured up a nightmare that i had when i was a little girl. I could not have been more than 10 or 11 at that point, but i did see( in my nightmare) the gateway to hell as a giant dog's head. The strange part about the dog's head was that it was made of metal and its mouth opened for animals or humans who were destined for hell came falling to it.

Is this telling me anything at all?

The whole place seemed to be dim and resembled a fiery furnace. Everyone including myself was falling from a great height into the gate of hell. Now here is the interesting tidbit, while other sinners and animals could not help being swallowed by hell's mouth, i was saved by grasping onto a "branch" on the sides of the "furnace". And i watched as a lamb sped past me into the fiery depths of hell.

miscellaneous

2005-05-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

freshman year of college ..........
well we all had the roommate from hell. mine was literally from the other side of the world. i am orginally from singapore and the city of Detrioit, MI was on the opposite side. my roomie was from a suburb just 2 hours away from Detrioit, well you get the picture.

my roommate would never have cleaned her room although she was not particularly messy. never did she vacuum up the carpet the entire year, and only cleaned her fixtures once before she moved out. Once when her mom came down all the way from Michigan on a visit to help her move out before the summer, she told me that my roomie was clean compared to her siblings who were filthy. gosh i thought...i could only imagine the state of their house.

2004

2005-05-10T01:56:00.000-07:00

2004

2004 was marked
When a stupid incumbent got re-elected
The world saw how losing
Failed to turn the fortunes for others

2004 also ran abound speculations
How poisson destroyed
An endeared icon who fought
For descendents of the holy land

2004 proved
How air-conditioned democracy
Regulated its meritocracy and fairness
To grant nobody else other than the scion of Caesar

A Lame "Poem"

2005-05-04T16:02:00.000-07:00

This lame poem was used as an "election" speech when i ran for SSA's eboard

I am small but not a thumb
Not a pointer of critism
Not an ass to give a ^(*@#$%
I wont brag and ring you either
I am a tiny pinkie
Strong enough to stand up
and be heard for all in hand

Men/Boys that i like

2005-04-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

I cringe whenever girls gush about the kind of boys they like to date/marry in the far future. I usually dont partake in that as feel such expressions sounds silly in verbal form. To make up for this, i write it(in this case blog). I, being a GURL......well i still need to express it somehow.....

I love boys

who wear glasses
are nerds
are low-maintenence
with superbrains
who write well(measure of reading quotient and intellect)
who have a sense of imagination
who have political ambition
who play either piano or sax
who go to Ivies
have square jaws
who have deep voices
who have straight shoulders
who have long necks
who plan to be professors/diplomats

Random and most random

2005-04-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Recently i discovered and became marginally addicted to this site at xiaxue.blogspot.com. It has been voted best blog in asia or something, and reveals thoughts of the writer which strike a cord with many people from Singapore(myself included).

Apparently, the writer of this blog is a polytechinic grad, and from her representation of other people criticising her choice of education, i infer she was not happy with her decision of going to a poly. She cites a myriad of reasons such as the lower prestige level(or lack of it), a limited opportunity to engage in the learning of "useless subjects" as American history or current affairs-which she realises are ironically the topics of discussion that seperate the featherbrained masses from the intellectual elite.

Though i wanted to respond to her thoughts on the site, i realise there might be little point in doing so as the writer would probably be swamped with responses of the same aganda as mine.
So instead of putting my words on her blog, which are already inundated by well-meaning words of wisdom, i place my thoughts here for my own cartharsis.

I wanted to tell her that going to a poly does not determine anything else other than a piece of paper. The ingredients to a success does notneed to conform to following the standard receipe in the book. In fact, should one deviate from the normal procedure, it is more likely that the person develop his or own "speciality". Is it not true that culinary chefs create better food with their own experimentation? Applying this her, she has certainly managed to create a niche for herself(with her award winnning blog). OK i digress with my analogy but still you get my point.

Have her more "accomplished" counterparts in the local universities carved out anything in comparison?

Sure, it would be quick to judge an individual based on a scholastic label. But is sad to say that many do so. Questions such as which JC are you from in Singapore or which Ivy are you from in the U.S are all but too common.

Which begrets another question. Why was i also guilty of perpetrating the stereotype? (until i came to college)

To find some answer. We need to go back to 2001, the year which i took my O Levels.

I had scored a disgraceful 22 points for my sec 3 end of year exams. Now surely, that would have certainly disqualified me from JC. And even worse at that time, i loathed the people who populated the polys.

My reasons for that were myriadfold. One answer was the environment and company of students it had. I am the kind of person who believes that the calibre of the environment strongly influences the decisions and mindsets of an individual. It was too obvious that the majority of the folks from poly were if you'll say "plebian peasants"? It was not that any of them were stupid, but i guess a shortage of bright people. In which case, i assumed there were smart people, but insufficient to harness a simulating, intellectual atmosphere. My worst fear was that if i joined their ranks, surely my beautiful mind would be wasted and sooner or later degenerate into barreness of mediocrity. And in the words of my brother who correctly summed it up by saying " there are smart people in poly, but not everyone is smart".

Naturally i turned my work efforts to a JC and observed that each JC had an identity. I noticed too that kids from certain XYZ JC's were little or no better than the polys in terms of the simulating environment i was looking for, despite scholastic acheivements. It was then pretty obvious that i started to be attracted to the school of Prometheus flames and the instituition of dauntless heros. These schools, perhaps gave me the glimmer of hope that the life of the mind existed.

Unlike the writer of xiaxue.blogspot, I cannot say I am a ostensibly bright and talented young individual. Hence my need to stay in the company of bright individuals within a simulating enrivonment.

Deciphering White Lies

2004-11-20T17:25:00.000-08:00

For those who have not yet come to terms with how to interpret a white person's vocabulary, the following is a brief guide to deciphering what they are REALLY saying.

If they say | It means

Fine | You are probably screwed
Thats ok | Its absymal you retard! You are not that bright
Good | Passable. You are mediocre
Great | Not bad
Excellent | Good job
Fantastic | Very Good indeed

As a rule of thumb to all fellow Asians out there, White people in general tend to exaggerate things towards positive degrees. No matter how smart or nice they appear to be, DONT take their words as gospel.

About Stella

2004-07-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

About Stella

As of August 16 2004, Stella will matriculate at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles. She had previously been rejected by UC Berkerley and the University of Chicago, where she was enticed by the concept of the "life of the mind" as well as gorgolyes/amazing architechure. See, Stella has since 2001, haboured thoughts of attending a prestigious school where its reputation and age are reflected in its archiac style. So (the prospectus of) U of C, naturally played toward her desires.

Actually these schools were already discounted choices from her days at ACJC, where Stella realised her brain was not smart enough for Stanford or any other Ivy League instituition. However now that she is going to attend USC in LA, she might become more realistic and materialistic as the city itself.(But hopefully not vapid and shallow)This might not be such as bad thing as it will spur her to be more hardworking in all aspects of life, which translates into better transcript grades and a more spectacular school career for her (And more second chances at the "GREAT" schools she missed out on applying in 2003). Then she might start to think that she has transcended upwards in terms of intelligence. So this may be good for her self-esteem as well.

Stella loves to seek the company of individuals who are at least of one the following-optimistic, upbeat, fun-loving, intelligent, ambitious, quirky, imaginative, interesting or weird. It also extends to the kind of males that she is attracted to. Stella has a preference for quirky/weird/nerdy/dorky/intelligent/scholarly types who nonetheless maintain some degree of "adorableness". She also thinks that eye-glasses are cute. So if you are an average joe trying to be cool/cool jock/metrosexual or high maintainence type, please stay away from her. She'll talk to you as a human being though-if you are nice and don't critisise her eccentricity.

Recently, Stella has become delusional, as pointed out by a friend. Fortunately she has discovered a way of existing in the real world simultaneously. Some interesting signs have benefited as a result of this paradigm, including better writing ability and style as well as an increased potential to make normal conversation/small talk with the average citizen. Now she is working on how to go out more often and enagage in more activities by expanding her social circle.

At last an imaginative one

2004-07-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

Death from Birth

In my birth,
A cold meteorite gathered me from space;
left me standing out nowhere in the midst.
And there was where I first saw the morning star

Each year I caught a glimpse
Of that same bright morning star,
until the fourth watch,
where it shot toward me.
Landing to hit me with a dizzy

Where the fire of the morning star
once burned for a spectacle.
It now engulfed my entirety in flames.
That blew me instantly.

I was then born again.

Where do I even begin-Prose

2004-07-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Where do I even begin-Prose

Where do i even begin. Where from do i tell. The uglyness of it all delevates me to another misery. The misery of immoral ladden guilt and infringement into one. It henceforth appears to be neither therapeutic purgation or balmy comfort or effective repentance. Just like that. Wasted. Chested. Robbed. Those are the three words.

Pain is not a good word to describe it. In fact, an expository style of telling makes for no good an interpretation. Because words can only illuminate the objective, thus failing to capture the inherant soul of the feeling. Devices such as mataphors may help a little. Albeit alas, I am not the best craftaman for such usage. I attempt however to secretly articulate. For being an open book to friends may not seem like such a good idea.

The dilemma then arises of whether to reveal or conceal. The left hemisphere of the brain no doubt favours the latter option, Being more secularly practical, it is more or less comcerned in a manner which most people think- to portray oneself in the best light possible. The opposite counterpart, of which is more akin to my personality gives impulsive thought and performs a srange habit of wanting other people to either discover or hear from my lips, the darkest, most insidious, gory details. Can this be explained by the science of psychology? The desire not to camoflage the sprit of the inner soul.

2004-07-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

Book Review:The Nine Secrets Of Women Who Get What They Want by Kate White

Some say that the best way to lead is to show by example. Kate White applied this to writing her first self-help book and I must say that it does work.

See the problem with many paperback self-helps these days lies with the problem of having too much theoreticality with principles. The agenda is primarily driven by large macro ideas. In a somewhat utopian sense, they sound good albeit without the realistic back-up of example.

This book does the reverse without compromising orgainised thought. Sure, Kate White leads the reader by micro example, in which case are her own observations.
But remember that this lass is a editor-in-chief of a magazine, she must have the skills of catagorisation. Therefore, although the sentences run as if she were dispensing her pearls of personal advice to you, you still manage not to lose focus from the central message of the topic chapter.

Now lets talk about the general agenda of the book.

If I could synopsise the advice of the book in one saying, it would be just 'CARPE DIEM'. Targeted at young women, one of the most important messages is to be bold. I suppose if one is so, then all "right" avenues of thought mentality fall into place quite easily. For boldness translates into a disregard for silly route rules (wjat she calls 'good girl' mentality) that may quite possibly impede chances of opportunism. Kate White illustrates through personal example of how gutsy young women have trumped more qualified others into grabbing opportunities which neccessitated sometimes shrewd tactics. She isn't bashful about revealing her own "exploits" too.

This book will be useful to anyone and a must read for all ambitious young women. I read it when i was 14 and found it to make sense and to make valuable practical advice when i re-read it 4 years later.

2004-06-06T05:54:00.000-07:00

Airports, Then I think of Changi

Fly me to Paris
Take me where i can feel the high
But before i leave
Satisfy me
Indulge my senses
Flowers of jasmine, rosemary, vanilla
Add that with more
I am whisked away into scent contention

There runs the travellator
Delightful isn't it
When you wheel your heavy 20 pound
Behind you
Beside the business-class travellor who must be
A citizen of station

Don't forget its different today
I know i will leave for good
Its important; check
Passport, boarding pass, visa, check
Okay are you set?

The gate is now open
Ready for passenger boarding
A chiid cries at sudden
Her mother's reprimand adds to embarassment
Mundane events happen everywhere

At the opposite end of the newly completed wing
An old man lifts a mop up from a bucket
Another passerby trots across
The mopped floor
The old man does it all over again

A tiny space of four corners
Tucked a small distance away
Carries the wrong of morality
What could be so wrong?
When it feels so good to have?It happened the last time
Today is different

Someone is watching behind

The following poem is untitled, and was written on May 22 2004 at Mount Faber.

Enter a world of light-
Look into the gold speckled walls.

Left turn and you find a rusty old charm
Of the forgotten clock,

Ascend upwards from while it left
And a dark chamber looms.

Hear the birds of silence.
Greenery forges circulation aplenty.

Open the doors in;
Let the air take you out.

Release the disease of wandering thought,
Then let be all that is serendipity.

2004-03-21T05:34:00.000-08:00

The Trophy

The trophy stands proud and beautiful
Beams with pride but is sometimes bashful
Knowing the love of the athlete

The trophy is loved by all
Even down a stranger hall
And by all who loved the athlete

The athlete was-
Bright
A facinating man-
Of talent
And with ways to get the trophy

Although the athlete and trophy were compatible
No love can truly be given to the other
A relationship like no other

2004-03-20T03:52:00.000-08:00

Movie Review: Lost in Translation

Ok I don't claim to be some bona fide movie reviewer with the power to wield influence over the masses in their decision at the box office. I can however, offer what I think and make connections to sometimes obscure relations which in a strange way sum things up a little. So maybe what I articulate below is not a review, but a wax lyrical of mind thoughts after the movie.

Sophia Coppola's attempt at this Oscar nominated movie is for the reflective at heart. Slow and sometimes monotonous, it is not for the average person looking for an engaging plot or action filled two hours. Rather, its appreciative facets centre around the axiom of a human's vulnerability in stranger environments and how everyone like us may be a victim to it. Think about this- Are people more susceptible to behavior out of their standard norm in a foreign country. If your answer is no to this question, then you will probably find this movie meaningless. However if you agree with me, then you might probably come out of the movie still feeling immersed in the plot, as if you had lived in the movie.

So how does the daughter of the Godfather achieve this? For a start, most people identify with a sense of temporary emptiness of the character that Scarlett Johanson plays. Her sense of drifting about life in a foreign country is compounded by her lack of activity and direction. And I assume that its this lack of direction that forces her into being caught by the winds of temptations into uncharted waters. Unintentionally, she embarks on a intimate relationship with a man facing a mid-life crisis. This happens as a result of an absence of emotional interaction with her young husband, who is busy with photography work. Perhaps what Coppola tries to send out as a message is the need for human beings to have companionship and receive attention and love. Scarlett Johanson's character was in a void without the human contact she was supposed to have with her married husband, and so she sought it with someone else.

Bill Murray is the ideal candidate to play a character facing a mid-life crisis. Though not drifting around without an activity like his female counterpart, he seems to be facing an impasse in his life. Having done it all as a successful celebrity, he seems to ponder and find something that is meaningful in his life. Sure, he has a wife and kids back home in the U.S, but they are simply just too busy for him. Maybe he is like Scarlett Johanson's character in that sense. He might be unconsciously seeking love and companionship in a world of bussle and activity. The status of his character and the dilemma of his soul points towards an important point- fame and riches do not count at all against one's need for love and affection.

The incompatible age difference between the characters says much also about the theme love and attention. It would seem unlikely that these two people would fall in love for each other at home in the United States. So what magic does Tokyo city posses to make these two individuals find companionship with each other? One plausibe reason could be the sense of identification in culture (they are both Americans). Or, it could be the specialty of the city that throws them open to experiencing new actions. But in my opinion, the latter is more unlikely than than the former.

Sophia Coppola's choice of the set is highly excellent. Tokyo is an Asian city
distinct in its language and people from the West. The unfamiliarity with respect to the conventional American city adds to its sense of alienation in the movie and the characters who drift about with their inhibitions down. I mean,
would an ordinary American at home be compelled to visit sleazy parties with english karoake words 'I wanna do.....and suck your tities' going amidst among a japanese song. Well, the movie shows two ordinary American who do go to sleazy parties that they wouldn't at home.

Somehow this movie becomes holistic in a way. It sort of doubles as this mini documentary of social behavior. Not only does it express the shortcomings of the two characters, it showcases the best and worst of Japan. For a start it films quintessential aspects of Tokyo life such as Pachinko Gambling, bright neon lights, cute pop-ups on TV. But to add insult to the undecodable Japanese accented way of speaking english, the movie provides more than subtle ways of highlighting some Japanese mannerisms that are seen as simply weird. It effectively reinforces the conventional stereotype of Japanese people though the portrayal of a ridicule and trivialisation of Japanese behaviour. One scene in particular, a Japanese escort says 'rip my stockings', to Bill Murray's character, then without warning after a polite decline for him, literally falls into a trance on the floor. I wonder if this is a move regularly seen on Japanese porn.

2004-03-15T11:50:00.000-08:00

Cosmetic steps to creating a lasting mega-watt sexy lip pout(for girls)

Step 1)
Apply lip liner and lipstick as you normally would
-I like Revlon's Absolutely Fabulous Lipcreams in Coy and MAC's lipstick(they all look great)

Step 2)
Blot your lips with a tissue

Step 3)
With a brush, paint on your lipstick again

Step 4)
Slick on colored lipgloss

Step 5)
Blot your lips again

Step 5)
Top it up with lipgloss
-any type of gloss is fine but colored ones tend to last longer as the pigment clings to your lips, try Chanel's Glossimer or Clinique's Glosswear. You can also add a flavored gloss. My favourite is Bonnebell, they come in more than 30 flavours and cost only around USD 2 to USD 6

Color on your lips should last you through a meal

2004-03-11T00:23:00.000-08:00

Intelligence Faux Pas

You know you have an intelligence FP when you notice one or more of the following.

1) People think that you are a stellar grade student when in fact you had sloughed hard to get there or hold mediocre results.
2) Your voice sounds either fit to be on the prime time news or from a 'english ehelicoptered' family.
3) Your ability gets overestimated 100% of the time by everyone except your folks.
4) You know who Samuel Huntington is.
5) You have a Roman nose.

2004-03-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

Repeat Behavior

This knotted feeling in my stomach occurred the day before my speech competition. It was 2001 and I was 16, young and ready to take on pushing boundary challenges that came my way. I sat in my room and envisioned 24 hours from that time. Will I be the champion speaker of my zone I asked my intuition? A force in me returned negative. I then channeled my guts and imagined myself to be a sore loser. Again the response from my intuition was not affirmative. So if I was not a winner or loser, where was my place of standing going to be.

The next day at school before the event, I was told that I was disqualified from the competition as I had took part in it the last year. How could I have not known, I did the homework and knew this was the case. Yet I chose to pursue it. I has subconsciously went ahead with a mistake.

Forward to three years after this incident and I was faced with the release of the 'A' Levels. I posed the question against my intuition. The same results came. So with that same knotted feeling in my stomach, I received the expected bad news I had subconsciously knew. By statistical yardsticks it was not disastrous, but it was for mine. Two years of slaving my time to assignments and studying produced near results as the player in my class who went after everything sans academia and the less bright student who nearly flunked out of school the first year. I felt cheated.

Yet this is deserving. Why? Compared to the last national examination I was not enthusiastic nor too driven about this one. An anxious rush in me was there to get over being in the rival school of the one at Mount Sinai as well as my dreamed ascention into a fancy American college which I could be proud of till my later(perhaps famous) days. An idealistic bubble in my head popped with the needle of reality.

2004-02-13T23:25:00.000-08:00

The period between November and December 2003 was a hectic time with the A level Examinations, a youth caucus trip to Geneva and the completion of overseas University applications.
The university applications were frustrating to fill up, but I took pleasure in writing some of the essays. I enjoyed staging my personality in print. Below are two of the application essays I wrote for the University of Chicago.

Tell us about your favourite magazine?

Most young women have stopped reading teenage girl's magazines. It is for the reason that the magazines no longer provided the approiate information for their interests. However, for a particular teenage magazine Cosmogirl!, its appreciative features extend beyond the usual scope of fashion spreads and caring for one's appearance. It does more and encourages readers to be bold with their ambitious pursuits, to believe in themselves and to have a strong calling to what they do. The magazine regulary dispenses word of reassurance that all seemingly "cool antics" of following the crowd and getting the desired romantic partner are inconsequential to attaining personal goals and maintaining idiosyncrasy to feel comfortable with oneself. The magazine affirms the need to chase desires and not to be ashamed of being an individual. I read almost every issue or whenever I need a "perk me up" from a pessimistic slump( such event happens when I give a sunstandard attempt at a task), and I usually get back into a optimistic boom the next day, inspired with new ideas. It is my cheerleader in print.

Essay Option 5: Write your own essay

The literature of war often explores the theme of ambiguity in civilian life. Tell us about a conflicting relationship or aspect in your life that reflects ambiguity of stance.

Writing And I- A hate/love story

Learning how to, developing or teaching someone to write is, by my own definition,, an uphill Herculean but not impossible task. When faced with a circumstance of coining words, abbreviating or chuning out something factual in non-spoken verbal form, I get to the level of near impasse. Writer's block or whatever those interllectuals call it. It seems as if the printed manner of words confines the brain's activities toand thoughts to the geometric shape limits of a page(squarish or rectangle by the way). Why don't we have pages in circular format or sentences that go in circles as well? I am sure others have shared this wonderment. After all, according to some psychologists, including those who work for tickle.com, have stated that the square/rectangular shape symbolises routine and lack of change and creativity. Round/circular shapes represent flexibility (of ideas). So with this in mind, writing is a form of communication that restricts the full capacity and intention of the message. Compare it to a spoken form of verbal communication and one will realise that the latter would offer a remarkably more comprehensive understanding. I cannot help but recall the endless letters of greetings to people that inevitably degenerates into a one-way sob-fest in print. The sense of betrayal, which serves to demoralise my already disgruntled imposition towards the written language, has somewhat sidelined my personality where expression is concerned.

This is unlike the days before kindergarden, where a young child is judged solely on the basis of verbal expression. Smiling, frowning, speaking or making up non-actualised words convey expressions "pure to meaning". The absence of flowery language or jargon, does not infest the message with unwanted guesses. Books were mainly pictorial, free from the plague of word jargon.

Then one day, I discovered a form of expression commonly known as poetry. I think of it as hiding your confusion and stupidity by dazzling it with ambiguity. It is relatively simple to write one for a person like me of mean intelligence. I come up with an idea, then build up a swarm of connotative/dennotive/metaphysical/personifying/onomatopoeic words around it. The results are usually brilliant. An intellectual's acute criticism
of the pieces that I write are often highly profound, far from the original (and simple) intention. I like this very much as a person like me of average intelligence gets to masquerade around in smarter clothing. Sometimes
I wonder if it is my source of healing that acts like a soothing balm to counteract my scar of betrayal from factual writing accounts.

To the admissions officer: The essay had intentionally been written by hand, to avoid the transcending of the squaring effect of the computer monitor, which would limit the creativity of the essay. Words were first spoken into a tape recorder, then written out through dictation.

To the reader of this blog: This was typed out from a messy piece of handwriting-the first handwritten draft before nicer stokes were used in the second for the sake of the University application.

2004-01-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

Names

I like to think that my chinese name means precious. To begin with,
i am increasing proud of the fact that i'm Asian,(something not always so during younger adolescent days) and having a name such as Lee Bi Ling reflects not only personality but novelty as well. Ok I digress. 'Bi', literally means lush, green.(its the same 'bi' for the bishan housing estate in Singapore). Often, it is used to describe jade, which is intrinsically valuable in terms of cost and "luck factor". In the context of a name, it would take into consideration the possible connotative words or meanings used to describe the verbs. From the example above, jade connotes the meaning of precious(do you see where i'm getting at).

So with that as an example, anyone who holds a chinese name can B.S and extrapolate upon possible meanings to his/her name.

This is however not the main point of this article. My primary concern is
the ubiquity of people in Asia being called by their Christian(or self-invented names). People do this for several reasons including jumping onto the trend bandwagon. A bloke i knew named Kiat wanted his name to be Winston so that he could date more girls. Alright, so maybe Kiat didn't sound that good phonetically. But I find it disconcerting when people with pretty chinese names choose to hide their asian labels and replace it with what i call mundane and secular english sounding names. In my opinion, May Ting or Han Quan sounds richer in character than Jessie or Robert(not to mention more novel as well these days). People assume that having an english name facilitates their career and popularity, which is true to a marginal extent for the former case since chinese names do not exactly trigger easy memory recall and rememberance in a person whom one is meeting for the first time.
But for the latter belief, i can only hope for the reverse in future. Since more people are gonna give foreign-imported english names to their children or for themselves, people with only chinese names are going to be a rarity.

Speaking of rarity, some individuals have resorted to substituting verbs for
proper names. I have encountered people with first names such as Ghost, Hammer and Violin. I infer that it may be probable that these individuals desire to live up to the figurative meaning of such names in their personality, since have not the circumstance of asking them why. But coming back to the main jist, I have asked people why they did prefer conventional english names over their original chinese ones. The most reoccuring reason was that one would sound "nicer", more cosmopolitan(So what? more parochial without one). I am at times infuriated when some actually tell me or imply that a english name is culturally more superior than a chinese one. None so far had the audacity to say that of character .

From my own observations and perception, I came to the conclusion that a chinese name and not by adopting an english one can serve to intangibly enhance a person's greatness, market value or novelty. They sound really good too. A few prominent examples internationally include cellist Yo-Yo Ma and actress Gong Li. At home, i find one of the most beautical chinese names Ho Ching in a position of power at temasek holdings(the government's investment arm) and wife of the current DPM and "prime minister in waiting". It would be notable to include her father-in-law, the quintessential Lee Kuan Yew(he was formerly Harry Lee and favoured an Asian gravitate).

Sadly, my views find rare commonality with others. I often attempt to make such contentions only to receive comments listed above.